Healing from Toxic Relationships: Understanding Different Attachments and the Islamic Path to Inner Healing
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Maybe now, when someone pulls away, you panic. Or you keep getting drawn to people who aren’t truly available.
Maybe you give too much, too soon—because deep down, you fear being left behind.
These aren’t just habits. They’re survival patterns. And often, they trace back to our childhood attachment styles.
How Childhood Patterns Shape Our Attachment in Relationships
How we show up in relationships—how we attach, love, or protect ourselves—usually begins with how we were loved (or not loved) as children.
Were our emotions welcomed? Were we seen and held in our vulnerability? Or did we learn that love had to be earned, that we had to be “good enough” to be accepted?
If you grew up with emotional inconsistency or neglect, or the pressure to perform for love, you might still carry these unspoken beliefs into your adult relationships. And sometimes, we don’t even realize it—until we’re deep in something that hurts.
The Impact of Anxious Attachment in Relationships
Take my friend Jolene, for example. She’s warm, kind, and genuinely wants to build a deep, loving relationship. But every time she starts to get close to someone, her thoughts spiral:
“He’s going to leave me.”
“Why would anyone stay?”
“If I don’t make myself useful, they’ll walk away.”
Even when things go well, Jolene sabotages the relationship before the other person can. Deep down, she believes she’ll be abandoned eventually—and it’s safer to leave first than to be left behind. This is anxious attachment in action.
People with anxious attachment often:
Overthink every word or silence
Need constant reassurance
Feel unworthy of love when they aren’t “doing” enough
Struggle with trusting the stability of love
In the long run, this creates emotional burnout for both them and their partner. Relationships feel intense, fragile, and exhausting.
Why Some People Struggle with Emotional Vulnerability
Then there are others who want love, but only engage on the surface. They’ll date, they’ll talk, they’ll laugh—but the moment emotional vulnerability is needed, they withdraw. Why?
Because they’ve never felt safe being fully seen. Maybe they were raised in homes where expressing emotion was labeled as weak. Or love was given with conditions—so now, vulnerability feels like a risk of rejection.
From the outside, it may seem like they’re emotionally unavailable. But inside, they’re just protecting a heart that never learned how to feel safe being open.
The Path to Healing: Reflect, Act, and Trust in Allah's Qadr
But here’s the truth: You’re not broken. Your attachment style was shaped in a time when you were just trying to feel safe. And that’s why even painful relationships can be mirrors. They reveal the parts of us that still need healing.
From an Islamic perspective, nothing in this life is random. Allah places people in our path for a reason. Sometimes, the ones who hurt us the most are the ones who awaken us the most. They show us what’s unhealed within us—not to punish us, but to push us toward wholeness.
Yes, we’re told to make du’a, to trust His Qadr (divine plan), but we’re also taught to reflect, to take action, to seek knowledge, and to grow.
Healing from Within: My Journey
In my own journey, I’ve spent years unpacking my patterns. I’ve learned how my past shaped the way I love—and how, with Allah’s help, I could begin healing from the inside out. That’s why I wrote my book, Healing from Within—to share that process with others who might feel the same.
So if you’ve been through a toxic relationship, or if you’re still healing from one, ask yourself gently: What was it really showing me about myself? What still needs healing in me?
And then, with tawakkul and your own effort, take the next step. Because even the relationships that hurt can be the ones that bring us closer—to ourselves, and to Allah.
If you're ready to uncover the deeper patterns shaping your relationships—and begin healing from the roots—start the journey through reading now.
Click this link to begin.
I’ve also shared the essence of this article in a video—feel free to watch it too.